The Incredible, Edible Ed
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: What could be worse than a hungry Ed? A well-fed Ed with a case of the hiccups! When traditional cures don't work, the Ed-boys turn to more, ah, non-traditional methods -- look out, Rolf, they're coming for you! Ch 5 of 5.
1. Rotten Eggs and Sneaky Ploys

Edd looked down at the carton of foul-smelling eggs in his hands. "Really, Eddy, I'm not sure about this."

"Boy, there's a newsflash!" Eddy continued rummaging through his refrigerator. "When are you _ever_ sure about anything?" He came back out clutching a pack of blotchy green bologna. "What's your problem, anyway? It's not like you even have to do anything this time!"

"Well, perhaps not, but as Ed's friend I feel I have a moral obligation to speak up on behalf of his hideously abused digestive tract ... " He looked queasy as Eddy squeezed bologna juice over the eggs. "And, uh, just for the record, bologna that's capable of being _wrung out_ is _not_ suitable for human consumption."

"Try to keep up, will ya? We ain't giving this to a 'human,' we're giving it to Ed! That golden stomach of his is gonna make us rich beyond my wildest dreams!" Eddy walked over and thumped Ed on the back. "Good thing I've got ONE friend who helps out once in a while!"

Ed chuckled as he played with the saltshaker he held, 'flying' it around like a spaceship. "Just call me Captain, uh, Captain-Helps-Out-Once-in-a-While!"

Edd rolled his eyes. "You'll have to try harder than that if you expect to trigger my thoroughly overtaxed guilt reflex, Eddy. And at any rate, what makes you think anyone would pay to watch Ed make his typical mockery of all that is nutrition? It's not exactly an unusual occurrence, you ... uh ... you know ... um, Eddy?" He trailed off as Eddy glared at him and pointedly shoved a banana in each ear, then grinned as he made expansive 'I can't hear you' gestures. "Oh, you're _so_ stubborn ... "

Seeing Edd cross his arms and step back to regard him in silent exasperation, Eddy yanked one banana out of his ear and flipped it to Ed. "Are you done yappin' yet? Just admit it, will ya, this is the biggest cash cow of 'em all and you know it!"

"Cash cow!" Ed tossed the saltshaker into the air. "Did I ever tell you guys about when I had a cow? Her name was Ed and she lived in our basement and ate buttered toast and gravy all the time! Oh, wait – " he thought for a moment. "That was me!"

Eddy and Edd both stared as Ed trundled across the kitchen, mooing and ringing an imaginary bell around his neck. "Uh, yeah." Eddy turned back to Edd. "So you're in on the 'Incredible Edible Ed' idea, yeah?" Edd rallied for one last protest but Eddy preempted him before he could start. "Look, just lighten up will ya? What's the big deal? You know Ed eats worse stuff than this all the time – so what's wrong with making a little cash off it?" He waved a hand towards his refrigerator. "Besides, how else are we supposed to get rid of all this stuff?"

Edd frowned. "Yes, well, that's something else that's been concerning me. Why are you suddenly so fixated upon the idea of incorporating this cornucopia of catastrophic consumables into your schemes anyway?" His eyes narrowed slightly. "Are you certain you have no ulterior motive for this?"

"Darn, you got me, Double-D, this is really just one big plan to score mountains of cash by getting kids to pay to watch Ed eat all sorts of gross stuff – how'd you ever figure it out?" His eyes widened in mock surprise. "Oh, wait, that's what I've been TELLING YOU ALL ALONG!" Eddy tore at his hair. "Look, just throw the eggs, will ya? Come onnn, you know you want to!" He slung an arm around Edd's shoulders and pointed him towards Ed. "Just look at him over there, waiting to be fed like some ape at the zoo! You wouldn't let him go hungry, would you?"

"Yeah, feed me, Double-D, I am starving in China!" Ed picked up a nearby roll of paper towels and gnawed on it to prove his point.

Edd looked from the eggs, to Ed, to Eddy, then back at the eggs again. "Well ... " With a sigh, he plucked an egg from the carton and held it up, considering. "At least eggs are a good source of protein, I suppose…" The faintest hint of a grin stole across his face and he looked around to make sure no one was watching. "Very well, let's get this dietary nightmare over with."

"Hang on." Eddy nudged him closer to Ed. "No need to waste good bad eggs on the floor." When Edd stood a foot away from Ed, Eddy grinned and backed away. "Okay, let her rip!" Edd shut his eyes, drew back, and threw.

Ed looked down as the egg struck him in the knee. "Good shot, Double-D! You are the Egg-man!" He licked it off, shell and all, and stood crunching happily. "Koo-koo-ka-choo!"

Edd smiled reluctantly. "Well, I must admit, there was a certain element of fun to that..."

"Elephants are always fun, Double-D!"

"Sure, yeah, what Ed said." Eddy pointed Edd towards the refrigerator and then settled back on a chair with his feet propped up on the table. "Now get to work, we've still got a lot of - uh - practicing to do!"

"Oh, very well, let's see what other gastronomic disasters await us in here, shall we?" His curiosity piqued, Edd donned his rubber gloves and poked around past bottles of flat soda and a bag of furry, deflated oranges. "Really Eddy, when was the last time you cleaned out this refrigerator? One would think you were trying to cultivate new forms of life in here! And what on earth is this?" He gingerly plucked out a red-and-green milk carton. "_Eggnog_? Eddy, it's July! Has this truly been languishing away in here for the past seven months?"

"What? It's, uh, vintage!" Eddy's eyes lit up. "Hey! Do you think people would fall for 'Eddy's Antique Groceries'?"

"Oh, of course, Eddy! Who doesn't savor the aroma of indescribably rancid dairy products on a hot summer afternoon! Why, it's a well-known fact that the average person would relish the opportunity to indulge in more frequent bouts of projectile vomiting, if only they had the proper inducement!"

"I'm about to 'induce' you, Sock-head." Eddy glowered at Edd, who put a hand over his mouth to hide a giggle. "Fine, forget Eddy's Antique Groceries – just toss it to Ed and get on with it, will ya?"

"Yeah, come on, Double-D! Nog me!"

"Well, if you're positive, Ed." Edd sighed. "But let me say right now that I refuse to be responsible for cleaning up any, er, untoward repercussions that result from this…" He put a hand in front of his eyes as he upended the carton over Ed's mouth. After a few shakes, the contents jiggled out in one semi-solid lump.

Ed downed it in a gulp and smacked his lips. "Mmm, just like the true spirit of Christmas Past, with all the festive aftertaste of nutmeg and gym socks! If only I had a sleigh!"

Edd blinked in surprise. "You mean you actually enjoyed that?" He looked intrigued. "I know I've seen you consume some exceptionally inedible items in the past, Ed, but your intestinal fortitude continues to astound me! Is there no limit to what your digestive system can handle?"

"I would eat my own head if it weren't stuck to my mouth, Double-D!"

Edd giggled out loud this time. "No doubt you would, Ed." Far more enthused now, he stuck his head back in the refrigerator and rooted around. "But before we start tampering with the laws of animated anatomy let's investigate the matter further with a few more specimens culled from this penicillin incubator Eddy refers to as a refrigerator, shall we?"

"Yum, does penicillin taste good with ketchup?" Ed opened wide.

Eddy snickered as he watched his two favorite suckers in action. Well, his mom had demanded that the refrigerator be cleaned out, but she'd never specifically said that _he_ had to do it, did she? Kicking back, he put his arms behind his head and relaxed with a happy sigh. Getting out of work sure was a lot of work – but somehow, it was always worth it.


	2. Traumatizing Food and Old Family Remedie...

As noon rolled around, Ed and Edd were still busy disposing of the spoiled items jam-packed into Eddy's refrigerator. The food flew through the air in a near-constant barrage; Ed ate it all and called for more. "Yum, raisin pickle!" He smacked his lips as he swallowed a chewy, dried-out pickle. "I have died and gone to Oklahoma!"

Even Edd seemed to be enjoying himself, examining each object he removed with the clinical eye of a microbiologist, all the while glibly scolding Eddy for the unhygienic condition of his refrigerator. "Here you are, Ed – an entire colony of _Bacillus cereus_ to whet your appetite!" Into Ed's mouth went a gooey tub of butter, followed shortly thereafter by a jar of black peanut butter and a wriggling tray of lasagna. "If you can handle all of this, I don't think there's anything the other kids could feed you that will cause an adverse reaction!" He scratched his head as he held up a tube of cookie dough that seemed to have sprouted a face. "Remind me to be conveniently out-of-town should you ever invite Ed and myself over to dinner, Eddy."

"Yeah, whatever, Sock-head." Eddy sat at the kitchen table, idly flicking a paper football he'd made out of a napkin. "Ain't you done yet? I'd, uh, like to take this act on the road before I'm too old to spend the cash!"

"Nearly finished, Eddy! We're almost out of test subjects – just this one bag of nice leafy gree – er, browns – left!" He plucked a bag of wilted spinach out of the vegetable drawer and tossed it over his shoulder. "Eat it in good health, Ed – perhaps it'll help combat the ill effects of all that bacteria-laden mayonnaise you downed earlier."

"No!" Ed swallowed reflexively, even as his eyes opened wide. "Spinach!" He clutched his throat and collapsed in a convulsive fit.

"Oh, good heavens! Ed! Speak to me!" Edd raced to his friend's side, pulling down on his hat in dismay. "What have I done?"

"What _did _you do, Sock-head?" Eddy leapt up and peered anxiously at Ed. "Oh, man! If he croaks, my folks are gonna ground me forever!" He hopped from one foot to the other, flapping his hands and glaring at Edd. "What're you trying to do to me? You just had one stinking chore to do and you can't even get – "

"Excuse me? A chore, Eddy?"

"Uh, did I say chore? I meant…store! You just had to put up one lousy store and – "

"I thought we were preparing for Ed's public debut as a human landfill, Eddy?" Eddy's contrite expression was belied by the grin curling the corners of his mouth. Edd crossed his arms. "I knew it! This whole sordid affair was simply a means for you to evade your household duties, wasn't it? Rather than simply clean out the refrigerator as your mother no doubt asked, you had to devise some absurd plot to manipulate Ed and myself into performing this task on your behalf!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a heel, I feel just awful – _not now_, Sock-head!" Eddy gestured towards Ed. "Do something about Ed before he backs up like a clogged sink!"

"Your gift for poetic expression is equaled only by the depths of your compassion, Eddy." With a final aggravated glance at Eddy, Edd knelt by Ed. "Ed? Ed! Snap out of it, man! It was only a vegetable, for Pete's sake!"

"Vegetable!" Ed sat up, a look of utter horror on his face. "I ate a veg – hic! – a vegeta – hic! – I ate a – hic-hic!" He clapped both hands over his mouth and stared at Edd helplessly.

"Oh, thank heavens." Edd heaved a sigh of relief. "It seems Ed is all right after all." He turned towards Eddy, hands on his hips. "Now, about your reprehensible lack of respect for – aigh!" He frowned as he found himself facing Ed once more. "Ed, please don't interrupt when I'm reprimanding Eddy."

Ed clutched even more tightly at Edd's shoulders. "Help me, Double – hic! – Double-D! What is wrong with – hic – my stomach?" He shook with a series of hiccupping convulsions, rattling himself and Edd both.

"Ed, please! Try to relax; it's just a simple case of the hiccups – an inconsequential series of respiratory spasms, sure to pass momentarily!"

"But what if – hic! – what if they do not, Double-D? What if I hiccup forever – how will I ever become a world-famous potato dancer?"

"I assure you, Ed, your career plans won't be impeded one iota by – "

"Or – oh no! Guys!" Ed gasped. "What if I do not have the hiccups at all, but am actually about to mutate into a giant toadstool-pizza just like in 'Terror in 30 Minutes or Less'!" He threw his arms around Edd and sobbed on his shoulder. "I hate mushrooms, Double-D!"

"Please, Ed, you're soaking my shirt." He twisted around to glare at Eddy. "I hope you're happy!"

"Me? What did I do? Things were going great until you had to feed him that spinach, Captain Nutrition!"

"Well, I wouldn't have been feeding him anything had you not been so eager to dupe us both into carrying out your parentally assigned responsibility - would I, Eddy?" Edd had to speak loudly to be heard over Ed's mournful sobs. "You know we would've gladly helped you had you only asked!"

"Yeah, right." Eddy snorted. "Where's the fun in that, Sock-head?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was _fun_." Edd wrung out his sleeve. "Perhaps in the future you could devise some simple code words to alert me to when I'm meant to be enjoying these utterly ridiculous and completely unnecessary predicaments!"

"I can think of a few code words for ya," Eddy muttered under his breath. More loudly he snapped, "Well, get outta the way if you're not gonna help!" He yanked Edd away from Ed and tossed him aside, then grabbed Ed and tried to drag him to his feet. "Get up, Lumpy, we've gotta go stick your head in the toilet and flush it a few times!"

Edd blinked incredulously. "A _swirlie_, Eddy? This is how you propose to assist Ed?"

"It's not a 'swirlie,' Orville, it's just how you cure hiccups!" Eddy pulled at Ed's jacket sleeve, but Ed remained where he was. "It's what my brother always did when I had 'em!"

"Oh, he did, did he?" Edd raised an eyebrow. "And how did he aid you when you had a cold – an Indian burn, perhaps? A wet willie?"

"Of course not, Sock-head, he'd just lick his finger and…jam...it...in my ear..." Eddy sat down, a deeply disturbed look on his face. "He said it kept my head clear..."

Edd shook his head sympathetically. "I suppose there are certain advantages to being an only child." Eyes wide and unfocused, Eddy only gurgled in response. "Well, Ed, let's disregard Eddy's old family remedy for the moment, shall we?"

Ed looked disappointed. "But I love – hic – Tidy Bowl, Double-D!"

"Yes, well, school will be here before we know it, I fear we'll all get our fill of Tidy Bowl then." He shuddered. "For now, let's approach this from a more scientific perspective, shall we?" He snapped his fingers. "Why don't I go retrieve my medical supplies, and we can do a thorough – "

"NO!" Ed scrambled to his feet and leapt into the still-open refrigerator. "No check-ups!" He slammed the door shut behind him.

Eddy snickered. "Looks like Ed still remembers the last time you tried that, Sock-head."

"Oh dear!" Edd ran to the refrigerator. "Ed? Ed, please, come out of there! You know how sorry I am for that stethoscope incident!" He knocked on the door. "Ed! I swear, I had no idea that could even happen!" Tugging ineffectively at the door, he called over his shoulder, "Help me, Eddy, he could suffocate in there!"

"Yeah, all right, he doesn't get enough air to his brain as it is." Eddy came over and knocked on the door. "Come on, Monobrow, get outta my fridge! It smells bad enough without you in there!" When he got no response, he banged even harder. "Ed! Look, we'll try something else, okay? How about…uh…" He drummed his fingers on the refrigerator door. "I've got it! Headstands, Ed! Sometimes they work!"

"Headstands!" The refrigerator door flew open, knocking Edd and Eddy against the wall. Ed bounded out and scooped up both his friends. "Let us all go stand on my head!" Laughing in between hiccups, he ran out the door.

Once outside, Ed took hold of Eddy's feet and stood him upside down. "Stand on your head, Eddy!" He up-ended Edd next. "Stand on your head, Double-D!" Putting his own head against the ground, he kicked his feet into the air. "Stand on your – hic!" His hiccup jolted him off balance, and he toppled over. Trying again, he briefly got his feet into the air before another hiccup sent him back to the ground.

As Ed continued his unsuccessful attempts at standing on his head, Edd peeked out through one half-cracked eye. "I-I'm doing it?" He opened both eyes wide. "I'm really standing on my head?" He laughed triumphantly. "Eddy, look! I'm standing on my head! Perfectly poised, impeccably balanced, every muscle in tune with – aigh!" As Eddy let go of his feet, Edd fell flat on the ground.

Eddy snickered. "Don't book your trip to the Olympics yet, Sock-head, you've – "

Ed's wail of dismay cut him off. "Guys!" A series of hiccups rattled through him. "My spores will not let me stand on my head! I cannot even spend my last remaining hours as a human enjoying the soothing sound of blood rushing to my head!" He threw himself down face-first and sobbed. "Why, toadstool pizza spores, why?"

Edd sat up slowly. "Well, there's another traditional cure upon which Ed has managed to wreak havoc. Would you care to try again, Eddy?"

"Me? What about you? Don't you have any 'scientific' solutions you'd like to wow us with?"

"I'm afraid there is no reliable cure for the hiccups, Eddy, scientific or otherwise. And if I can't use my medical equipment to get a glimpse of the situation in Ed's esophagus, there's little else I can do. Ed will just have to wait them out, I suppose." Suddenly he brightened. "Or – of course! How silly of me not to have thought of this sooner!" He smacked his forehead. "Eddy, why don't we consult Rolf?"

"Rolf? Forget it! The last thing we need right now is another episode of Bumpkin-Time Story Hour with Uncle Turnip!"

"But think of it, Eddy! Traditional folk remedies such as Rolf can provide are often rooted in generations of wisdom and experience, and at times prove to be quite effectual at remedying ailments that have resisted other methods of treatment. After all, he _was_ able to assist you with your pimple problem back when – "

"Hey, hey hey!" Eddy leapt at Edd and wrapped his hands around his mouth. "What the heck are you talkin' about, Sock-head, I never had no pimple problem and you know it! Heh-heh, you musta been dreaming, yeah!"

"Mmmph." Edd wrenched back out of Eddy's grasp. "_Dreaming?_ Oh, for Pete's sake, Eddy, for once seize hold of your tenuous grasp on reality with both hands, you _know _you - ah ... " seeing his friend hunch down with his hands held protectively over his head, Edd relented before the guilt could set in. "That is, ah, yes, o-of course Eddy, heaven knows I've been having nothing but unsettlingly sebaceous dreams ever since Ed insisted we share in the joys of 'Creature from the Blackhead Lagoon' with him ... " He offered an apologetic smile. "But why don't we pay Rolf a visit anyway? Even if he can't assist Ed perhaps there's always the there's always the chance that we can liberate a few quarters from him via some ludicr – er, lucrative – new ploy, don't you think, Eddy?"

Eddy eyed Edd narrowly, looking for any sign he was making fun of him. Finally he shrugged, still flushing a most unEddyish shade of red. "Fine, whatever, let's go see what Beet Boy's up to today…"

"Good idea, Eddy." Edd smiled in relief at a guilt trip avoided. "Come along, Ed, let's go visit Rolf."

Ed sniffed and sat up. "So I can say good-bye to his chickens? Good idea, Double-D, I will miss them when I am a pizza! Do you think Rolf would let me live in his chicken coop until then?"

"Uh, we'll just have to ask him, Ed."

All three Eds headed off towards Rolf's. Eddy came last, arms crossed, glaring at the ground in front of him. "'Seize hold of your blah blah blah reality, Eddy," he muttered in high-pitched imitation of Edd. "Stupid Sock-head…I _didn't_ have a pimple," he grumbled. "Shoulda made him eat that eggnog when I had the chance."


	3. Insolent Livestock and Too Many Eddys

Rolf paced stiffly in front of his animals, all lined up single-file.  "Rolf is not pleased."  He leaned in to peer at Gertrude, then straightened once more.  He resumed his pacing.  "Nana's homemade nasal lubricant has been consumed, and Papa has sworn on the sea-bass of truthfulness that he did not do this thing."  He sniffed Victor's breath.  "Rolf is certain that he, too, is innocent.  Could it be that Nana's lubricant became overwhelmed by its own eel-infested goodness and devoured itself?"

The cow chewed her cud; Wilfred snuffled through the dirt at his feet.

"Yes, and perhaps next the cucumbers will sing Rolf the song of the Joyful Custard-Boy!"  Rolf stomped his foot.  "Insolent creatures!  Do you think the eels necessary for such a concoction simply fall from the sky in this country?  Do you care nothing for the long months Nana suffered to save enough eyelash trimmings to trade?"  He stared at each animal in turn.  "Do not try to shield the guilty one with this clever act of innocence, for Rolf can smell the foul odor of your shame from fifty paces!"

Suddenly, an all-too-familiar voice broke in on Rolf's interrogation.  "Nah, that's just Ed."

Rolf whirled in alarm, and discovered Eddy and Edd standing directly behind him.  He glared at Eddy.  "Do you seek to make Rolf's nana knit him a clean pair of undergarments?  Why must you sneak up like a well-oiled mongoose?"

Eddy snickered.  "Forget your dinner menu, Rolf, we need your help!  How about – "

"Rolf has no time for you now, unbearably-pushy Ed-boy,"  Rolf snapped.  He gestured towards his animals.  "Do you not see the Line of Unavoidable Guilt before you?  Rolf must uncover the scoundrel who has eaten his nana's nasal ointment before suspicion is cast on Rolf himself and he sentenced to," he shivered, "lubricating Nana's nasal passages by hand!"

A queasy look crossed Edd's face at this, but Eddy showed no sign of having heard.  "Oh come on, Rolf, it'll only take a minute!  Just help us out here and then you can go back to your stupid animal court or whatever."

Edd clucked his tongue disapprovingly.  "Eddy, manners!  What's important to us may not hold the same relevance for Rolf, we have to respect his priorities!"  He stepped up to Rolf.  "My apologies, Rolf, Eddy's hasty comments reflect only his, uh, concern for our friend's predicament.  Nonetheless, we were wondering if – once your current task is completed, of course – you might spare a moment to – "

"Is your head full of lard, pain-in-the-ears Ed-boy?  Your speech is long but Rolf's patience is short!"  As Edd jerked back in startled chagrin, Rolf turned to Eddy.  "Your friend reminds Rolf of the simple-headed goose who has not the sense to ever cease his honking.  Such creatures are useful for stew and their feathers make fine pillows, but it is folly to allow them to run about the barnyard without taping their beaks shut!"

"Yeah, a little tape would save us all a lot of headaches."  Eddy shot Edd a smug look.  "Anyway, how about laying some more of that old-world know-how of yours on us, eh Rolfy boy?  Ed's got a case of the hiccups that just won't quit!"

Despite his irritation, Rolf blinked curiously.  "Hiccups?  Yet again Rolf finds himself as lost as a jellyfish on the Mountain of Never-Ending Thirstiness!  What are these things you speak of?"

"Hiccups are…um, you know – hiccups!"  Eddy scratched his head.  "Like when you…uh…"

Edd raised an eyebrow.  "What Eddy is so coherently attempting to convey, Rolf, is that Ed is suffering from a physiological reaction caused by the sudden, involuntary contr – "

"Painfully-brainy Ed-boy!  Must Rolf shout you into silence yet again?"  Rolf glared at the wide-eyed Edd for a long moment before facing Eddy once more.  "And you, who cannot even explain to Rolf what it is that these 'hit cups' are!  Have you both drunk from the nozzle of uselessness today?"  He made shooing motions with his hands.  "Away with you before Rolf throws you out like over-boiled potato juice!"

"Sheesh, what's your problem, Rolf?  All we want's a little help!  Five minutes, tops, that's all we're asking!"

"And, Rolf," Edd took a breath and sped through the rest of his statement before Rolf could interrupt, "once-you've-assisted-us-perhaps-we-could-return-the-favor-by-aiding-you-in-your-current-task?"  He ducked behind Eddy.

"What?"  Eddy spun around to face Edd.  "Forget it, Sock-head!  We don't have time to play farmer with Captain Rhubarb here!"

"But Eddy, we have to provide some sort of incentive to Rolf in return for his assistance," Edd whispered back.  "I'm simply trying to entice him into providing the aid he clearly does not wish to give us!"

"Oh, is that what you're doing?"  Eddy snorted.  "Boy, you're doing a great job of 'enticing' him so far, aren't ya, Goose-boy?"  His eyes took on a sly glint.  "I dunno, Double-D, I think maybe Rolf was right about you with all that 'simple-headed' business…"

"Oh, really?"  Edd regarded Rolf indignantly.  "Perhaps what Rolf needs is a little more honking, then."  After a final agitated glance at Eddy, he put on his most eager expression and walked back up to Rolf.  "You know, Rolf, you're missing out on a truly fascinating anatomical phenomenon here!  Perhaps we could enlighten you as to the nature of these hiccups?  You'd surely be more enthused about witnessing them for yourself if – "

"What?  You squawk at Rolf yet again?"  Rolf picked up a nearby hoe and brandished it at Edd.  "Rolf needs no 'light' from the more-trouble-than-trail-mix Ed-boys!  Now leave the farm of Rolf before he – "

Eddy's eyebrows raised as Edd gestured frantically at him.  He nodded, then hastened around to Rolf's other side.  "But Rolf!  Didn't I tell you?  We ran into your, uh, nana on the way over here!  She says she's found that nose junk of hers after all – you've got plenty of time to help us now!"

"Your lies are sadder than a squid with no arms, overbearing Ed-boy!"  Rolf turned towards Eddy, hoe held high.  "Prepare your unnaturally square head for a sound thrashing, for Rolf will – "

"Excuse me, Rolf," Edd turned Rolf's attention back on himself, though he stayed well out of reach of the hoe, "you're sure to find this fascinating!  Did you know that the medical term for hiccups is singultus?  And that – "

"Why should Rolf care what the – "

"Rolf!"  Eddy's yell caused Rolf to turn back to him once more.  "I forgot to tell ya!  Hiccups are, uh, great fertilizer!  Help us get them out of Ed and you can have 'em – just think what your farm will – "

"Rolf's farm needs no – "

"Rolf?  Have I mentioned that the underlying cause of hiccups seems to stem from – "

Rolf put his hands over his ears.  "Silence, please, before – "

"Hey, Rolf!  Did you hear?  People pay big bucks for a full bag of hiccups!  We'll cut you in on – "

"Ed-boys!  Cease this – "

"Rolf!  Did you know that the longest recorded case of – "

"Rolf!  Why don't you – "

"Rolf! – "

"Rolf! – "

"AAAAAGH!!!"  Rolf's shrieks echoed around the barnyard, before finally trailing off into odd gurgling noises as he buried his face in his cow's neck.  "Great Nano save me from the scourge of the Ed-boys," he whimpered.  Several moments later, he straightened back up and faced Edd and Eddy.  "Rolf will get no rest until he does this thing you ask, yes?"  He sighed.  "Very well, Ed-boys, you will have Rolf's help.  May the sorrow of a thousand uncomfortable sweaters be yours if Rolf is blamed for his nana's missing nasal ointment."

"Now you're talking!  Ed's right over…uh…" Eddy trailed off as he looked around the Ed-less barnyard.  "Hey Double-D, where's Ed?"

"Where's Ed?  Wasn't he right behind us?"  Edd blinked in surprise.  "Why, where did he go, at that?  I'm afraid I'm quite clueless as to his whereabouts, Eddy."

"Well, get a clue, Sock-head!  Go find him, and get a move on, will ya?"  Eddy snapped his fingers impatiently.  "Rolf doesn't have all day, you know!"  As Edd opened his mouth to protest, he quickly added, "Remember the last time we left Ed all alone?  You don't want…_that_…to happen again, do ya?"

Edd shut his mouth, a horrified expression spreading over his face.  "My label maker!"  He scrambled away at a panicked clip.

Snickering, Eddy turned to Rolf, who sullenly refused to meet his gaze.  For a moment, the only sound was the occasional bleat or grunt from the animals.  Eddy scratched at the back of his neck.  "So, er...what's up, Rolf?  You, uh, running some sort of boot camp here or something?"

Rolf frowned.  "Rolf's livestock wear no boots, do you not see that?"

"Uh, yeah."  Eddy watched as Rolf continued to stare skyward, arms crossed.  The silence stretched on.  "Well…so…how's that goat of yours doing?"  Rolf refused to acknowledge his question; Victor turned unfriendly eyes on him.  Eddy coughed uncomfortably.  "Uh…and what's been happening with…um…oh, what's that, Double-D?"  He cocked his head intently.  "Okay, okay, I'm coming!"  He turned back to Rolf and rolled his eyes.  "You just can't find good help these days, ya know.  Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!"

"Yes, Rolf will be waiting with the eagerness of a hen about to lay her first egg," Rolf replied tonelessly.  "Do not dally-the-dilly, for his excitement will be too great for his eyebrows to convey."

"Uh, yeah."  With a last uneasy glance at Rolf, Eddy headed off in the direction Edd had gone.  He'd nearly made it back to his house before running into his friends.

"Found him, Eddy!"  Edd smiled with relief as he led Ed by the sleeve.  "It seems Ed became sidetracked by the pursuit of a little heliotropic investigation!"

"In English, Double-D?"

Edd grinned.  "I found him on your porch, staring at the sun."

"My eyes – hic! – were chilly, guys!"

"Remind me to explain the dangers of excessive doses of ultraviolet rays, Ed."  Edd shook his head.  "For now, though, let's see what assistance Rolf can provide, now that he seems more open to the idea of aiding us."

"Open, nothing!  We've got him practically turned inside-out!"  Eddy grinned at Edd.  "Not bad, Sock-head – we'll make an Eddy out of you yet!"

Edd winced.  "Heaven forbid – no offense, Eddy, but I don't think the universe could withstand the existence of two of you.  For now, let's just concentrate on taking advantage of Rolf's momentary lapse in reasoning, shall we?"  He looked almost smug as he added, "'Simple-headed goose,' indeed."

Ed gasped.  "Rolf has geese?"  He broke into a run before Edd could let go of his sleeve.  "Come on, guys, put the pedal to the ice-cream truck!  Geese are – hic! – geese are just like chickens, only they are not!"  Ed laughed as he raced back towards Rolf's, dragging a desperately protesting Edd behind him.  "Duck, duck, duck!"

Eddy watched his friends go, then glanced towards his house.  He looked in the direction of Rolf's farm again, then longingly back at his house once more.  Finally, he threw up his hands in disgust.  "No way will those two bird-brains make any cash off Rolf on their own, Sock-head ain't that much of an Eddy yet."  He rolled his eyes.  "If they don't get those stupid hiccups cured by the time I get there, though, I'm gonna pluck 'em both…"  Grumbling, he headed back to Rolf's.


	4. Banshee Robots and GnipGnops

"Oh boy oh boy!"  Ed galloped onwards to Rolf's, Edd clinging to his sleeve.  "I want to – hic! – hug a goose, Double-D!" 

"Ed, stop!  Wait!  At your current velocity – ow – " Edd grazed Rolf's fence as Ed ran past, " – the likelihood of causing grievous bodily harm to – oh my – " he looked over his shoulder at the pigs scattering in Ed's wake, " – anyone you might collide with is nearly – "  At that moment, Ed bowled into Rolf, sending him flying.  "…inevitable."  He winced as Rolf landed head-down in the food trough.  "Oh dear!  Rolf, are you all right?"

Rolf sat up woozily.  "Once again you Ed-boys bring unnatural misfortune to Rolf."  He wiped pig slop from his face.  "Not even the fabled crafters of the over-tight Shoes of Unhappiness cause such discomfort as the wild-cannon Ed-boys."

Edd wrung his hands.  "I apologize, Rolf – Ed's over-exuberance is quite impossible to quell at times, I fear."  He smiled weakly.  "Loveable oaf…"

"Rolf has no love of the oaf, soft-in-the-heart Ed-boy.  Bring your train-wreck friend to Rolf so that he might fix these 'hit cups' and be rid of you."

"Oh!  Yes, of course, Rolf.  Excuse me a moment."  Edd ran over to find Ed sticking halfway out of the chicken coop, kicking his legs as he tried to squeeze farther in.  "Ed?  Please, Ed, you can accost those poor creatures another time – let's go see Rolf now, he may be able to assist you with your hiccu – er, your toadstool affliction."

"My toadstool subscription!"  Ed sat straight up, taking half the roof with him.  He launched himself towards Rolf.  "Rolf!  You have – hic! – got to help me!  I don't want to be a – hic! – a toadstool pizza!"  Hugging Rolf's ankles, he sobbed for long moments before noticing Rolf made no reply.  "Rolf?"  He looked up.

Rolf's face was drained of color, his pupils shrunk to pinpoints.  He stared as though Ed had just devoured his most beloved turnip patch.  For several seconds his only response was a constricted gurgling, but then his ear-splitting wail of terror broke the silence.  "AAAAAAIIIIGGGHHH!!!!"

Ed looked around in puzzlement.  Spotting Edd rushing up to them, he gasped and echoed Rolf's shrieking.  "AAAAAAIIIHHHHH!!!"

"Good heavens!"  Edd pulled his hat down over his ears.  "Gentlemen, please, calm yourselves!  What on earth happened?"

Rolf and Ed continued their shrieking until Rolf, with a final choking cry, dropped to the ground and curled up in a ball.  Ed stopped yelling immediately.  "That was fun, Rolf!  Let's do it again!"  He sucked in a deep breath.

"No, Ed, that's enough!"  Edd sighed in relief as Ed sadly let out his breath.  "Whatever were you screaming about?"

"Aw, nothing Double-D, I was just being polite!"  Ed chuckled.  "Rolf wanted to play 'Banshee Robots from Planet Cassidy'!"

"Yes, well, I commend you on your manners, Ed, but I don't believe Rolf was playing – he seemed genuinely frightened of something!"  Edd knelt beside Rolf and put a hand on his shoulder.  "Rolf?  Rolf!  Can you hear me?"

Rolf rocked back and forth, eyes locked on Ed.  "It is the curse of the angry Gnip-Gnop!"  He pulled what looked to be an extremely large duckbill from his pocket and held it up protectively.  "May the ancestors have mercy on Rolf's head, for it is doomed like sour cheddar!"

Eddy came running up at that moment.  "What the heck's going on?  I could hear you – "

"Eddy!"  Ed knocked Eddy over in his excitement.  "You missed it Eddy!  Me and Rolf were being evil banshee robots – only Double-D says Rolf wasn't playing – "  He gasped.  "Oh no!  Do you think that means Rolf really is a banshee, Eddy?"

"Shut up, Ed, I – " Eddy blinked.  "Hey, Burr-head!  You said all that without a hiccup!"

"I did?"  Ed bent double to put an ear to his stomach.  "Guys!  I don't hear the toadstools anymore!"  He sprang up and ran circles around Eddy.  "I am cured!  Oh happy day!  Gone are the mushroom spores!"  Suddenly he stopped, his eyes beginning to water.  "I will miss them so…"

Edd glanced up from where he still knelt by Rolf.  "Why, congratulations, Ed!  Perhaps a good bout of primal scream therapy was just what you needed to dislodge those stubborn hiccups!"  Pausing, he scratched his head.  "I suppose it _is_ possible, if a trifle convenient…"

Eddy eyed Ed dubiously.  "Whatever, at least it's shut him up!"  Stomping over to where Rolf lay on the ground, he hauled Edd to his feet.  "And what the heck happened here, eh Sock-head?  What'd you do to Rolf?"

"Me?  I didn't do anything!"  Edd cast a worried look back down at Rolf.  "He flew into this state of shock when he encountered Ed – hiccups must be a rare phenomenon in his culture, Eddy, perhaps even one that serves as the harbinger of some apocalyptic event!"

"Guys, I think Rolf's broken!"  Ed nudged Rolf with his toe.

"Broken, maybe," Eddy said with a slowly-widening grin, "but I bet he ain't broke!"

"Eddy!"  Edd looked appalled.  "How can you even think of money at a time like this?  Rolf's nearly catatonic with fright – why, just look at him, Eddy!"

Rolf's eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and he was whispering in a language that sounded like pudding being sucked up through a straw.  Eddy snorted.

"Looks like Grade-A Sucker material if you ask me."  He picked Rolf up by the shoulders.  "Hey Rolf, wake up!  We ain't got all day!"  Ignoring Edd's shocked protests, he shook him vigorously.

"By the yodeling yak that watches us all!"  Eyes still squeezed tightly shut, Rolf clung to Eddy.  "Rolf begs of you, save him from the accursed Ed-boy!"

Eddy raised an eyebrow.  "Man, he's really scared!"  His grin returned.  "_Really_ scared!"

Edd put a hand up to his head.  "I don't suppose your current interest in Rolf has anything to do with humanitarian purposes, does it Eddy."

"I don't ever wanna hear the words 'Eddy' and 'humanitarian' in the same sentence again, got that Double-D?"  Eddy's grin grew even wider as he turned back to Rolf, the familiar sound of cash registers ca-chinging in his ears.  He could practically taste the jawbreakers already – maybe there was hope for the day, after all…


	5. Encyclopedias and BigShots

"Eddy, please!"  Edd interposed himself between Eddy and Rolf.  "Dig down deeply and unearth what little conscience you possess!  You simply can't exploit Rolf's traumatized condition like – "

Eddy scowled impatiently as Edd's all-too-familiar protests continued.  Suddenly, he brightened.  Digging through his pockets, he pulled out a weighty hardback book.

" – And the psychological scars could…uh…could…" Edd paused.  "Is that _my_ 'Encyclopedia for the Precociously Brilliant', Eddy?"

"Yup."  Eddy dangled the book over the nearby pig wallow.  "Volume B, too – how're you ever gonna look up 'Blather' now, Sock-head?"

"Oh, please."  Edd tried to look nonchalant.  "Surely you don't think to dissuade me from assisting poor Rolf simply because you – EDDY, NO!!"  He dove towards the book as Eddy let go, saving it from the mud but failing to clear the pit himself.

"I knew swiping that book would come in handy someday."  Eddy snickered as Edd scrambled out of the wallow and wiped frantically at his mud-covered clothes, his concern for Rolf momentarily forgotten.  "Now maybe I can get back to business."  Eddy's sly grin stretched impossibly wide as he turned to Rolf, who lay mumbling in terror on the ground.  "Hey Rolf, for the right price I could save you from the 'evil Ed Curse' – whaddya say?"

Rolf nodded eagerly.  "Yes, one-track Ed-boy, you may have all that is Rolf's if you save him from this scourge!"  Without hesitation, he emptied his pockets at Eddy's feet.

"Oh, congratulations, Eddy."  An only slightly less-muddy Edd rolled his eyes as Eddy dropped to his knees and sifted through Rolf's belongings.  "Your quick-witted machinations have earned us an entire ball of goat-hair, a – oh my – a chewed…toenail – "

"Mine!"  Ed leapt into the pile and scooped up the toenail.

Edd went somewhat green as he watched Ed nibble happily on his newfound treasure.  "Y-yes, well, moving on…Let's see…oh, it looks as though we're also now the proud possessors of – "  Blinking in surprise, he leaned in for a better look.  "Why, Rolf!  Is that your grandmother's nasal lubricant?"

Rolf gasped and snatched back the jar.  His lower lip quivered as he looked between the jar and the Eds.  "You have uncovered Rolf's great shame!  It is indeed he who has stolen Nana's jar of nasal relief, for the eels it contains are too delicious for Rolf to resist!"  He held his arms up to the sky.  "Forgive this unworthy son of a shepherd and spare him your vengeance, all-knowing Gnip-Gnops of the Righting of Wrongness!"  Dropping the jar, he collapsed in tears.

"Rolf?  Rolf!"  Edd was aghast.  "Oh, _now_ look what we've done!"  Twisting his shirttail between his hands, he started towards Rolf, but was halted immediately.  He frowned at Eddy's hand on his shoulder.  "Eddy, do you mind?  Isn't it bad enough that we've reduced poor Rolf to tears, now you want to deny him reassurance for his guilty conscience as well?"

"Oh, we'll reassure him, all right," Eddy's free hand clenched as though grasping bright new coins.  "What's a good, uh, reassurer go for these days, anyway?  A quarter?  Fifty cents?"  He squirmed with excitement.  "A _dollar_?"

"Absolutely not!"  Edd jerked free of Eddy.  "We've inflicted more than enough misery on Rolf for one day, Eddy!  I'm going to offer him what comfort I can, _for free, and then we are all going to leave him in peace!"  Ignoring the faces Eddy made at him, Edd turned to Rolf and patted him awkwardly.  "Th-there, there, Rolf, I'm sure your grandmother will understand – why, we'll simply return those ill-gotten goods and – "_

"No!"  Rolf reeled away from Edd.  "Nana cannot find out!  If Rolf's foul deed were uncovered, he would surely be sold to the Wooly-Faced Sheep Shearers and forced to live the life of a lowly mutton licker!"

"Oh come now, Rolf, surely your grandmother would – your grandmother would…uh...excuse me, please." Edd turned, distracted by Eddy's insistent tapping at his shoulder.  "Eddy, have I not made myself clear?  Rolf's in desperate need of support!  Whatever it is you want, I'm afraid it will just have to wait!"

"It'll only take a second, Double-D – I just need you to hold this pig for me."  He nudged Ed.

"Hold this _pig_?  Why in heaven's name – "  Edd's words were cut off with an 'oof!' as Ed cheerfully unloaded Wilfred into his arms, sending him crashing to the ground.  "Ed!"  Edd tugged at his arms, now pinned under a complacently-seated Wilfred.  "Um, Ed?  Eddy?  I can't – I can't seem to get free, could I get a little assistance please?"

"Don't worry, Sock-head, I'll get ya out – right after I _reassure Rolf!"  Eddy snickered as he sidled up to Rolf and slung an arm around his shoulders.  "Now that the conscience police is out of action, let's talk business, Rolfy-boy!"  He put on a sympathetic face.  "So you don't want 'Nana' to know what you did, huh?"_

Rolf sighed.  "Yes, see-through Ed-boy, Rolf knows what it is you want."  He reached into his sock.  "Shiny new quarters for the keeping of Rolf's secret, yes?"

"Why, Rolf!"  Eddy looked shocked.  "I'd never rat on ya!  You don't need to pay me to keep _my_ mouth shut!"

"Have the artichokes started to speak?  Have Papa's enormous feet grown small and dainty?  What could be wrong with the world that the single-minded Ed-boy would not seek to gain riches at Rolf's expen – "

"Hold on, I'm not finished.  _I'm not gonna rat on ya..."  Eddy leaned in close, "…but I can't say the same for Big-Mouth Ed over there!"  _

"Oink!"  Ed perched atop Wilfred and beamed down at Edd.  "I think Wilfred likes you, Double-D!"  He jumped as Eddy delivered as swift kick to his rear.  "Oh yeah!"  He hopped off and tapped Eddy on the shoulder.  "Psst!  Hey Eddy!  Did Rolf hear what you did?"

Eddy slapped a hand to his face.  "Try again, Monobrow."

"Uh…did you hear what Double-D did?"  Ed gasped and looked back towards Wilfred.  "Double-D, what did you do?" 

"Arrrgh!"  Eddy clapped a hand over Ed's mouth, pulled him close, and said in his most Ed-ish voice, "Hey Eddy, did you hear what Rolf did?"  After releasing Ed, he turned back to Rolf.  "Gee, Rolf, with a blabbermouth like Ed around, it'll be awfully hard for you to keep that secret of yours!"  He grinned a familiar grin.  "Of course, for a small fee I _could_ try to keep him quiet for ya!"

Rolf heaved a sigh.  "Your shenanigans grow staler than Nana's breath on Cabbage Dumpling Day, and Rolf must soon begin the Seven Sorrows of the Guilt-Ridden Dirt-Wallower."  He pulled three quarters out of his shoe.  "Here, lumpish Ed-boy, ill-gotten riches for you."  Handing a quarter to Ed, he next turned to Eddy.  "And riches for the weasel-in-the-grass Ed-boy."  Eddy snatched the quarter out of Rolf's hands.  "And riches for the – " Rolf frowned and looked around.  "Where is the know-it-all Ed-boy?"

"Uh, d-down here, Rolf..."

Rolf squinted suspiciously at Edd.  "Rolf would demand to know what you do to his pig, head-of-the-egg Ed-boy," he raised his hand in a silencing gesture as Edd began to stammer out a response.  "But he has no heart for your ceaseless ramblings now."  Yanking Edd free of Wilfred, he set him down and handed him the last quarter.  "Please, take your undeserved riches and your unbearable friends and leave the farm of Rolf.  Come, Wilfred, we must prepare the Yams of Shame."  He trudged back into his barn, Wilfred at his heels.

Edd held one hand to his stomach and hunched over queasily.  "Ah yes, I was wondering when the guilt pangs would kick in."

Eddy paid him no mind.  "Three whole quarters," he breathed, holding his own quarter reverently.  "Do you know how many nickels – how many _jawbreakers _– that is?"

"If we had a nickel for every quarter we have, we'd have – uh – " Ed counted his fingers several times.  "Does anybody have a ham I could borrow?"

Eddy continued staring at his newfound cash.  "Three whole quarters," he repeated, "just for not doing something!"  Pocketing his quarter, he sat down and drew numbers in the dirt.  "Three quarters for not telling one secret...times...all the other kids in the cul-de-sac..."  He finished his equation with three large dollar signs.  "Bingo!"  He leapt to his feet.  "Double-D!  Do you still have all those files you keep on everyone?"

An incredulous look crossed Edd's face, the guilt pangs forgotten.  "You want my dossiers so you can blackmail our fellow cul-de-sac inhabitants for your own personal gain?"  He regarded Eddy narrowly for a moment before finally letting out a deep, shrugging sigh.  "Why, certainly Eddy, let's go retrieve them."

"Oh, come on, Double-D, why do I always gotta spend half my time talking you into anything we – uh…"  Eddy's lips moved soundlessly as he replayed the last few moments of the conversation.  He blinked.  "Hang on, you mean you're gonna help, just like that?  I don't need to convince you or anything?"

Edd glanced down at his muddy shirt, at his arms covered in Wilfred's hoof-prints, then looked back to Eddy.  "If by 'convincing' me, Eddy, you mean coercing my cooperation through your customary repertoire of underhanded deception, thoughtless manipulation of my sensitive nature, and pure brute force, well, I believe I've had quite enough of that for one day, thank you."  He waved one hand in a careless gesture.  "At any rate, I believe precedent indicates that this ill-conceived plan will self-implode well before we cross that line between unethical behavior and anything that's expressly illegal.  And I _really_ need to wash."  He strolled off towards home.  "Shall we, gentlemen?"

"But…"  Eddy watched him go, a look of perplexed disappointment on his face.  "But – what about the deception?  The manipulation!  What about the brute force?"  He trailed off, sulking, as he nudged a nearby tree stump with his toe.  "Those are my favorite parts…"

"Do you think mustard has feelings, Eddy?"

"Shut up, – "  Eddy paused.  "Ed!"  He sidled up to Ed.  "Oh Ed?  Did you know Double-D's got a whole room full of buttered toast back at his house?"

Ed blinked.  "He does?"

"Yeah!"  Moving on to 'manipulation' mode, he worked up a few quick tears and added, "And – and he made it just for you, Big Guy!  You don't want to hurt his feelings by sticking around here, do you?"

"Boy, Eddy, that would be sad!"  Ed sniffled.

"Yeah, sad."  Mentally ticking off the first two boxes on his checklist, he grabbed Ed by the collar.  "Now get a move on, will ya?  We ain't got all day!"  After a few moments of furious tugging, he finally got Ed moving.  He managed to grin and frown simultaneously as he dragged him off after Edd.  Somehow it wasn't _quite the same, but it would do.  _

He sighed happily.  A pocket full of quarters, his two favorite suckers all set to work, and a new sure-fire scam that would have him rolling in jawbreakers by suppertime – and it was all thanks to him and his own brilliant ideas.  Maybe he oughta snag that encyclopedia back from Double-D for a few quick fixes when he got the chance – after all, _somebody_ needed to be sure he was listed in it under the 'Big Shot' section…


End file.
